Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
