I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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