he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
