hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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