God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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