so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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