I feel like death gave me a hand job
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
