piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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