from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
