things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
time to smoke my breakfast
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
