I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Why are your pants in the freezer?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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