Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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