So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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