I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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