So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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