i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
