Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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