I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Fuck appropriateness.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Ladies don't puke and tell
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
