my phone needs a breathalizer
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you made out with another girl for some wings
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
