Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
