You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
