my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
