Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
