My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Also, beer. Big fan.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
