Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
