I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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