just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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