his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
