either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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