the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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