I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
