so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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