he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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