just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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