You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
