Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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