I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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