Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
