i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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