When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize