I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
