So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
