she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
