my soul wont recognize me after tonight
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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