Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
