I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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