I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
