im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
