Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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