You can't motorboat a personality
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
