I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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