I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
