I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
