I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
