NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
