remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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