i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
