WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
