Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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